Battlestar Galactica 1×00 ‘Miniseries’ Impressions Pt. I
Posted by melancholygeek on June 22, 2008
Six months and no Battlestar Galactica Impressions? I hardly think so! It’s not that I’m chronically bored out of my skull on my weekends, but seeing that I would have re-watched the better part of this series anyway during the hiatus I might just as well keep up the writing about it. Of course there’s no way I can recap a full three seasons in six months but that doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t start, eh?
I’m not quite sure if I’ll just go on chronologically or pick out some of my favorite episodes, we’ll see about that. Any thoughts from your side?
So, anyway, with a very special nod to AVSS and scriggle, let’s jump back to 2003, when we were still hopeful the Cylons actually had a plan:
The Cylons were created by man.
Good to know.
They were created to make life easier on the Twelve Colonies.
Sound plan so far.
And then the day came when the Cylons decided to kill their masters.
And the day after that, we had pizza! It’s my favorite!
After a long and bloody struggle, an armistice was declared.
Seriously, is that a sixth grader’s essay on the Cylon War?
The cylons left for another world to call their own.
And lived happily ever after.
A remote space station was built where Cylon and Human could meet and maintain diplomatic relations.
Sound plan. Again. Remember how it ended the last time?
Every year the Colonials send an officer.
And you thought your job stinks?
The Cylons send no one.
No one has seen or heard from the Cylons in over forty years.
I have a certain feeling where this might be heading…
Remote space station, Colonial Officer browsing toaster pr0n. Enter two, um, Centurions I guess? Damn those mail-order brides, they never look like in the catalog. OK, never mind that, good thing he signed up for that buy two, get one free deal:
Now that’s a shiny metal ass I’d bite! – Dude, we don’t have jaws, remember?
Are you alive? – Yes. Wild guess here: Not for much longer. It has begun. Told ya. Blonds are nothing but trouble.
Galactica, butch blond running. And hey, the mikes are totally showing! Tsk. Bad suit guy basically calling Galactica a steaming pile of crappit.
The Cylon War is long over… The Olmos! And he’s Commander Adama! That’s nice. Captain Kelly? Kiss-ass.
The Cylon War is long over… Butch blond again… she’s Starbuck?! Alright, I’m gonna stop right here and will never watch a second of this crap again. Starbuck a chick? You’ve got to be kidding me. Nah, it’s me kidding, I’m cool with that. What do you hear? – Nothing but the rain. I like it. Maybe I’ll use it sometimes.
Three stooges hiding something from the old man. He’s kind of a buddy-commander, eh? Be careful out there, all right? Out there. In the museum. Yeah, right.
The Cylon War is long over… Now who’s this little fairy? Yet another kiss-ass, OK. Gaeta. Whatever.
The Cylon War is long over… I like that Colonel. It’s Michael Hogan! \o/ Bad suit guy again, still rambling. And the microphones are still showing.
What I guess is the hangar bay. Ass-kissing contest, round two. Just a little something, you know, nothing fancy:
Haven’t seen one of these in about 20 years. Heh.
And guess what, the Old Man used to be The Fonz:
No shark-jumping jokes here, move along.
Rec room (I guess), Colonel hitting the bottle (did I mention I like him?). Some card game, now who do we have here: Starbuck, some guy with a lollipop (Helo), Asian chick (uh-oh), bald dude. Colonel’s the X.O., OK. That would make him Tigh then? Might there be a hint to an ever so slight animosity between Starbuck (buck, buck, buck) and the X.O.? Um, yes.
So, Adama and the X.O. are buddies too I guess. Glad they don’t towel each other off. Heard you started the day off pretty early. Heh. I like these two:
I did not.
Unless I did.
Caprica City, Caprica. And looky here:
Firefly class I’d say.
Ooh, Mary McDonnell! Not looking good.
Fancy spaceship. Babyface and Mary, she’s off to the can. OK, this is taking a somewhat darker road? Mary’s a marvelous actress. Just saying.
Riverwalk Market, Caprica. Shinyass! Wait a second! Didn’t she, like, blow up? OK, this is creepy. You’re not gonna have to cry much longer. Yup, that’s creepy. Snap. OK, what happened to the good old times when you just had the guy kick a dog to show he’s bad? Seriously, this series is starting off quite disturbing, no?
So, after this killing of a baby, let’s talk about the Pyramid game on Geminon. Or better even: Let’s talk with Dr. Gaius Baltar! Yup, he’s a big shot. And I might be developing a slight man crush here. Surprise! Honey, I’m home! Is this Snappyneck again? She looks somewhat different, no? Might be the clothes (or lack thereof) though. And isn’t this kind of underwear horribly uncomfortable? I’m hot Gaius, I’m so hot. Yeah, obviously:
Viper 450 approaching Galactica. Hands-on approach. As if we needed even more metaphors for masturbating. Ooh, new Vipers are pretty. And guess what, it’s Apollo! Curious what they made of him. OK, not quite Richard Hatch, but not too far off:
(Wonder if that’s a good thing)
Chief Tyrol, uh-huh. OK, Apollo is a genuine a*hole. I like this Tyrol guy though.
In comes the Raptor. And yeah, the Chief and the Lieutenant totally have nothing going on, right Helo? Yeesh! OK, surprise, they DO have something going on.
Pilots’ briefing. Morning. Asian chick got in her suit again quick. And Captain Lee Adama’s joining. And there was much rejoicing. Yup, he’s an a*hole. Bet those flight suits have popped collars just because of him.
Caprica, Baltar and Snappyneck (yup, it’s her, but frankly, sunlight doesn’t really become her). Baltar being quite the chauvinistic prick. Did I mention man crush? And she poked around in the Defence ([sic?] it’s from the subtitles) mainframe? Uh-oh. God ramblings. I hope they don’t make this whole faith thing a leading theme of the series? Let’s all go meet someone.
And so will I, so we’re taking a little break here, check back for part II later 🙂